When the doctor gave me the results of the Hepatitis C tests, she told me they reported I had, “a high viral load”.
This phrase “High Viral Load” triggered an image of a large truck a bit like the one in the Coca-Cola add screened each Christmas. A huge Kenilworth Semi hauling a long box trailer, all its lights on, and air horns blaring, charging through my arteries – rounding a corner – somehow I am by the side watching as the huge truck streams past. The driver is talking on his CB, saying “I’m haulin’ a High Viral Load Good Buddy!”
Like I said imagination is a funny thing – unique to each of us. So getting this virus out of my system involves gaining control of this Kenilworth.
If this all sounds surreal – so is my life at the moment. Yesterday after walking on the cliffs, I got home and fell asleep for an hour, slept a sleep that left me as tired as when my eyes closed. Last night when I went to bed it took me nearly three hours to get to sleep. Fear is in my head, thoughts running through my mind like an endless record. Some of you will recall Vinyl Records and auto-changer on Record Players – and that if you lifted the auto-changer arm the same record would keep on playing and playing: that is what is happening in my head the same fear record playing and playing.
There are so many symptoms I can no longer tell what is what. Do I suffer from osteo-arthritis or am I suffering from Hep C joint pain? When I cannot recall a name or put a name to a face is this me in my normal state, or is it Hep C “fogginess”? Nearly everything appears to be a possible symptom. It makes me want to cry with fear and scream in anger and frustration, - how I envy women, they are allowed to do those things men are not. So much for equality!
“Fogginess” – Dementia – That is what really frightens me. I do not want to end up a drooling vegetable. If I feel that is the way I am going, if I think that I am becoming increasingly confused, “in a state of fogginess” Hepatitis C Trust kindly refer to it! I will end it all – a Paracetomol Overdose is supposed to be pretty well irreversible. I wish euthanasia were legal, then I would be able to go on until I was GaGa, as it is I shall have to make a decision before that time.
I am still waiting for the hospital appointment to start treatment. So I am doing those things I may not be able to do later. This weekend I changed the Cam Belt on the car. Still trying to sell the part-completed LDV camper, and we have a new caravan to collect – no camping holidays would be unimaginable. We have decided holidays are to be part of our positive thinking campaign.
I am convinced that the Power of the Mind is crucial to good health - only Positive Thinking will play a major part in defeating this virus.
Monday, 12 April 2010
Wednesday, 7 April 2010
7th April 2010 I AM ANGRY - A KICK IN THE TEETH
I AM ANGRY
In fact I am very angry. For the last couple of years I have had repeated Liver Function Tests – the ALT has been high. For longer than that, I have periodically told the doctor my stomach is bad, almost as soon as I have eaten I am in the toilet, (I leave the rest to your imagination).
About 3 weeks ago I was summoned by the doctor for more Liver Function tests – once again the ALT was high. This time my GP was not available, I saw a younger doctor, she took the time to sit and talk through my whole medical history. Right through to some tests I had undergone in the late 1970's and with a reference to my drug use prior to 1975.
The upshot of this conversation, a doctor's consultation that lasted more than 10 minutes, was yet more tests. My arm has more holes in it than it has ever had since I gave up drugs. The phials of my blood duly went off to the Lab. A week later the results of all the tests barre one were back, and apart from the ALT they were fine. Then a few days later the doctor phoned me, the last result was back I have Hepatitis C.
Now I am angry for a number of reasons. First off if my doctor had talked to me at any time it would have soon become apparent that a test for Hepatitis C and B would be advisable. I did have a test in 1990 when I requested a test for HIV – a precaution based on my drug use. Unfortunately a test for Hepatitis C was not developed until 2 years later.
The HIV test was confidential and the results not available to my GP, indeed to the best of my knowledge my doctor would not know I had been tested. However the 1978 tests including a biopsy, in the Edinburgh Royal Infirmary although inconclusive at the time, do contain indicators that I had Hep C.
What I want to know is this. - Why when the knowledge of Hepatitis C and the relevant tests came were developed in 1992, didn't the hospitals trawl through the records of people who had been given inconclusive Hepatitis diagnoses? Maybe I am being naive, or I am overestimating the capability of computers and computer software. But I would not have thought it was beyond the wit of computer wizards to write a program to look through old patient records looking for key words or phrases which might indicate a missed diagnosis?
So now what? Now I am waiting for a letter from the hospital and an appointment. I have trawled the web, rejecting many sites, sticking with UK sites. The prognosis does not appear to be too bad, one thing in my favour – I do not drink so my liver is in pretty good condition.
Apart from being angry how do I feel?
Like I have been kicked in the teeth. For the last couple of years I have been living a relatively virtuous and healthy lifestyle. 2 years ago I gave up smoking, I have been monogamous for over 4 years. I do not drink – less than a bottle of wine a month (from now on I will not drink at all!).
I am depressed and stressed. For the last ten days or so despite mild sleeping tablets I have not slept properly. When I start thinking I can see so many of the symptoms have been with me a long time.
My mental ability and ability to concentrate is poor – 5 years ago I could write 5,000 word short stories in a day, edit and rewrite and the story would be of a publishable standard within 4 days. To write this 650 words has taken me 4 hours with a number of breaks, the breaks are because I simply cannot maintain hour in hour out concentration.
An hour of dithering about and I am back at the keyboard. Now I cannot think of anymore to write.
Keep watching this Blog and you will find out more.
In fact I am very angry. For the last couple of years I have had repeated Liver Function Tests – the ALT has been high. For longer than that, I have periodically told the doctor my stomach is bad, almost as soon as I have eaten I am in the toilet, (I leave the rest to your imagination).
About 3 weeks ago I was summoned by the doctor for more Liver Function tests – once again the ALT was high. This time my GP was not available, I saw a younger doctor, she took the time to sit and talk through my whole medical history. Right through to some tests I had undergone in the late 1970's and with a reference to my drug use prior to 1975.
The upshot of this conversation, a doctor's consultation that lasted more than 10 minutes, was yet more tests. My arm has more holes in it than it has ever had since I gave up drugs. The phials of my blood duly went off to the Lab. A week later the results of all the tests barre one were back, and apart from the ALT they were fine. Then a few days later the doctor phoned me, the last result was back I have Hepatitis C.
Now I am angry for a number of reasons. First off if my doctor had talked to me at any time it would have soon become apparent that a test for Hepatitis C and B would be advisable. I did have a test in 1990 when I requested a test for HIV – a precaution based on my drug use. Unfortunately a test for Hepatitis C was not developed until 2 years later.
The HIV test was confidential and the results not available to my GP, indeed to the best of my knowledge my doctor would not know I had been tested. However the 1978 tests including a biopsy, in the Edinburgh Royal Infirmary although inconclusive at the time, do contain indicators that I had Hep C.
What I want to know is this. - Why when the knowledge of Hepatitis C and the relevant tests came were developed in 1992, didn't the hospitals trawl through the records of people who had been given inconclusive Hepatitis diagnoses? Maybe I am being naive, or I am overestimating the capability of computers and computer software. But I would not have thought it was beyond the wit of computer wizards to write a program to look through old patient records looking for key words or phrases which might indicate a missed diagnosis?
So now what? Now I am waiting for a letter from the hospital and an appointment. I have trawled the web, rejecting many sites, sticking with UK sites. The prognosis does not appear to be too bad, one thing in my favour – I do not drink so my liver is in pretty good condition.
Apart from being angry how do I feel?
Like I have been kicked in the teeth. For the last couple of years I have been living a relatively virtuous and healthy lifestyle. 2 years ago I gave up smoking, I have been monogamous for over 4 years. I do not drink – less than a bottle of wine a month (from now on I will not drink at all!).
I am depressed and stressed. For the last ten days or so despite mild sleeping tablets I have not slept properly. When I start thinking I can see so many of the symptoms have been with me a long time.
My mental ability and ability to concentrate is poor – 5 years ago I could write 5,000 word short stories in a day, edit and rewrite and the story would be of a publishable standard within 4 days. To write this 650 words has taken me 4 hours with a number of breaks, the breaks are because I simply cannot maintain hour in hour out concentration.
An hour of dithering about and I am back at the keyboard. Now I cannot think of anymore to write.
Keep watching this Blog and you will find out more.
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