When the doctor gave me the results of the Hepatitis C tests, she told me they reported I had, “a high viral load”.
This phrase “High Viral Load” triggered an image of a large truck a bit like the one in the Coca-Cola add screened each Christmas. A huge Kenilworth Semi hauling a long box trailer, all its lights on, and air horns blaring, charging through my arteries – rounding a corner – somehow I am by the side watching as the huge truck streams past. The driver is talking on his CB, saying “I’m haulin’ a High Viral Load Good Buddy!”
Like I said imagination is a funny thing – unique to each of us. So getting this virus out of my system involves gaining control of this Kenilworth.
If this all sounds surreal – so is my life at the moment. Yesterday after walking on the cliffs, I got home and fell asleep for an hour, slept a sleep that left me as tired as when my eyes closed. Last night when I went to bed it took me nearly three hours to get to sleep. Fear is in my head, thoughts running through my mind like an endless record. Some of you will recall Vinyl Records and auto-changer on Record Players – and that if you lifted the auto-changer arm the same record would keep on playing and playing: that is what is happening in my head the same fear record playing and playing.
There are so many symptoms I can no longer tell what is what. Do I suffer from osteo-arthritis or am I suffering from Hep C joint pain? When I cannot recall a name or put a name to a face is this me in my normal state, or is it Hep C “fogginess”? Nearly everything appears to be a possible symptom. It makes me want to cry with fear and scream in anger and frustration, - how I envy women, they are allowed to do those things men are not. So much for equality!
“Fogginess” – Dementia – That is what really frightens me. I do not want to end up a drooling vegetable. If I feel that is the way I am going, if I think that I am becoming increasingly confused, “in a state of fogginess” Hepatitis C Trust kindly refer to it! I will end it all – a Paracetomol Overdose is supposed to be pretty well irreversible. I wish euthanasia were legal, then I would be able to go on until I was GaGa, as it is I shall have to make a decision before that time.
I am still waiting for the hospital appointment to start treatment. So I am doing those things I may not be able to do later. This weekend I changed the Cam Belt on the car. Still trying to sell the part-completed LDV camper, and we have a new caravan to collect – no camping holidays would be unimaginable. We have decided holidays are to be part of our positive thinking campaign.
I am convinced that the Power of the Mind is crucial to good health - only Positive Thinking will play a major part in defeating this virus.
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